So here it is, my first post in this blog. I wanted to have a personal blog to post about life. I also wanted to have some sort of "creative outlet" and just an outlet in general.
Life seems crazy lately and hard to grasp. On New Year's Eve, I stood in the door way chatting with our co-partiers and reminiscing about what a great year 2009 was for me. Getting married, seeing friends, and taking our amazing honeymoon was everything that could make a perfect year for me. 2010 seems different. It's been a whirlwind of changes...some for the better and some not. Old feelings of inadequacy have bubbled to the surface once again where last year they were stifled by wedding planning.
The beginning of the year, I saw my introverted-ness come back in full swing which lead some people to believe I was being standoffish or aloof. It's hard for others to understand that I don't have to profess my liking for you to consider you my friend and just because I don't run and hug you at first site does not mean that I hate you. I'm not like other females, I don't have that sense of needing to be physically affectionate to people that I just saw last week. Of course, all of this leads to me being closed off to females again and having feelings of rejection.
Soon after that happened, I decided to change jobs. This was definitly a change for the better. I didn't hate my old job, I had been there for 5 years and really wanted to have a change. I have found a great deal of liking for the new profession that I have entered in and am happy that there are many facets of it that I can get into. For the first time in a long time, I finally feel like I've found some sort of path for myself career wise.
Then in April came the very difficult part. My grandmother passed away almost 7 years to the day of my grandfather passing away. It was the end of an era for my family and we lost the link that held most of us together. While I remember the good times with my grandparents, I am sad for the loss of a time when things were much easier. I am glad that she was able to be at our wedding and enjoy all the festivities that go along with it, but I think of my cousins whose wedding she won't be able to attend or any other life event for that matter. I know how hard that will be for them as I had those feelings related to my grandfather before our wedding. It's hard to think that they won't be there anymore - but I know that they are there in spirit - at least I hope.
I guess growing up isn't easy. I'm pushing 30 and I guess that life is reflecting that. Three very important people in my life have moved (one a town away and two across country) and I have watched two very dear friends deal with serious illnesses. Many friends are getting married and having children and some are already divorcing. I've lost touch with many people and it's hard for me to gain that back. I can only hope that those I still have touch with will stay around for a while and that maybe life can slow down or go in an upward direction.
This isn't meant to be a sob story. This is meant for me to be able to get the things that linger in my mind out somewhere else so I don't lash out at the things most important to me. It's hard to keep things inside, but it's been harder for me to get them out. So bare with me for a bit...
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